Parenting Coordination

Separation or divorce from a partner can be stressful, time-consuming, and costly.  If you are going through a divorce or on-going litigation, a parenting coordinator can benefit you, your co-parent, and your child(ren) in many ways.  A Parenting Coordinator does not function as a counselor, an advocate, or an attorney. 

This service is psychoeducational in nature, which helps to create an amicable two-parent households so that conflict can be minimized and children can thrive.  The goals of Parenting Coordination include, but are not limited to:

• Identifying disputed issues and to reduce misunderstandings.
• Decreases high-conflict interactions.
• Reduces parental conflict through anger management, communication and conflict resolution skills.
• Encourages both parties to maintain an ongoing relationship with their child(ren).
• Clarify priorities.

Parenting Coordination vs. Parenting Facilitation

Parenting Coordination is confidential.  While a Parenting Coordinator is not functioning as your counselor, Parenting Coordinators must adhere to a set of ethical standards for Mediators. 

The guidelines for Parenting Facilitation are not confidential. A Parenting Facilitator has the same function as a Parenting Coordinator; however, a Parenting Facilitator may aid in monitoring compliance with court orders.

The Other Parent: Perspectives, Potential, & Possibilities

Our belief system guides our behavior, and our beliefs have an immense effect on what we select in our situation to focus on when co-parenting. Consequently, when parents are going through a separation and/or divorce parents are inclined to believe the worst about the other parent. Stated succinctly, they see the other parent in a negative light and amplify the other parent’s flaws.

Each parent will potentially need to correct the way he/she views the other parent in an effort to correct thinking errors. For starters, parents need to curtail making assumptions and cease the inclination to embrace negative conclusions. Learning to recognize thinking error(s) prior to interacting with a co-parent often improves co-parenting relationships.

For example, your co-parent is late in picking up the children. It is understandably easy to stroll down a not-so-happy memory lane because he/she was historically late to events when you were a couple. Subsequently your thoughts migrate towards a negative path and you surmise that he/she will never change. However, the issue is that once your co-parent arrives you are frustrated and maybe even angry, as a result of these thoughts. Chances are an argument is likely to ensue because of thinking errors and uncontrolled emotions. Perhaps it is time for a new perspective.

You, like others in similar situations, may be thinking and ultimately assert, there was not a traffic jam and/or no flat tire. Even if your co-parent was and remains perpetually late, and it appears he/she will not change, how does thinking of him/her in negative terms help your own thoughts, feelings, and/or behaviors? It does not.

Certainly we want the other parent to respect our time. But what about the thinking errors that have serious repercussions. What is your first thought when your child informs you, “Mommy/Daddy touched me down there?” Do you automatically assume your child has been sexually abused? Remember, our belief systems guides our behavior and our beliefs have a big effect on what we select to focus on when co-parenting. Could there be other possibilities aside from sexual abuse? Yes.

It certainly could be argued that it is worse to miss a case of sexual abuse than to misidentify one however, both mistakes can have dire consequences. If a young child is misidentified as having been sexually abused and a parent is mistakenly determined to be the perpetrator, not only may that parent suffer consequences but we may also make things worse for all involved by assuming the worst about our co-parent. Also to complicate matters, parents may begin to further question the child as opposed to seeking appropriate help from specialized and trained professionals.

Let us assume that a genuinely concerned parent noticed circumstances that indicated that abuse or neglect may have occurred and made a report in good faith. In turn, now the other parent is hostile and views the report as deliberate, if not malicious. They believe the other parent made the allegation with ill intent against him/her, rather than an honest mistake that originated, not out of malice but sincere concern. So, is this a false allegation? Is it a lie? Perhaps a mistaken belief? What we do know is this situation is problematic and can stem from poor perspective taking.

Below are some definitions that your Texas PCS therapist may work with parents on:

• Denial: A statement saying that something is not true or real.
• False Allegations: False allegations sometimes are due to mistaken beliefs.
• Allegation: A statement saying that someone has done something wrong or illegal.
• Thinking Errors: Occurs with your self-talk . Be aware that the way you are thinking about something doesn’t necessarily match up with the reality of what’s going on.
• Belief: A state or habit of mind in which trust or confidence is placed in some person or thing.
• Assumption: A taking to or upon oneself. Bias: Tendency to believe that some people, ideas, etc., are better than others that usually results in treating some people unfairly.
• Confirmation Bias: The tendency to search for or interpret information in a way that confirms one's preconceptions.
• Lie: To make an untrue statement with intent to deceive.
• Mistake: To make a wrong judgment about something.
• Mistaken Beliefs: Beliefs are not lies made up by vindictive people (It is a mistake).
• Addressing Reactance: The urge to do the opposite of what someone wants you to do out of a need to resist a perceived attempt to constrain your freedom of choice.
• Bandwagon Effect: The tendency to do (or believe) things because many other people do (or believe) the same.
• Emotional Reasoning: “I feel it, therefore it must be true.”

Working with Co-parents to Decrease Conflict

Perspective taking and addressing thinking errors is a vital part of working with parents. Sometimes, decreasing conflict can help parents become child-focused and it can be achieved through family counseling. In other cases, parents often believe the worst about the other parent, hold on to anger, communicate poorly, and do not cooperate, necessitating parenting facilitation services.

Parents in Conflict Must Learn

• Empathy.
• Managing emotions.
• Boundaries.
• To maintain a business relationship.
• Recognize thinking errors.
• Recognize triggers.
• Acting vs. Reacting.
• To Listen.

Helping Parents with three Ps 

• Gaining a New Perspective.
• Uncovering Cooperative Potential.
• Realizing Change is Possible! 

How to Begin

To begin Parenting Facilitation Services, and/or to request more information: